The freshman 20

24 Mar

At 25-years old I’m far from a collegiate freshman.  What I am is a newlywed who’s 10 elbees heavier than she was on her wedding day, which was only five months ago.

Before I started dating my now-husband I was damn-near 20 pounds thinner than I am today.  Was I happier?  In many ways no, because I was single and obsessed with myself.  But in certain ways, namely with my appearance, hell yes I was.

I’m a tall woman, over 5’10”, and I’m not considered overweight by BMI standards.  But what about my standards?  By them, I’ve crossed a line.

The culprit, I believe, is my new job.  In mid-February I started at a social gaming company that’s run a lot like a start-up.  Three days a week they bring in catered food, which includes Chinese, pizza, garlic bread, and BBQ.  It’s heaven and hell all rolled into one.

I’ve overindulged, to be sure.  My pants are tighter than they’ve been in the past five years and it’s getting to me.  I’ve worked really hard to get down and stay down at a “happy weight” and now I’m throwing it all away.

Part of it’s because my coworkers are all tiny, and they eat whatever they want whenever they want, with seemingly no affect on their waistlines.  Granted, I don’t know how they eat when they’re at home, or what kind of rigorous exercise they may or may not be engaged in, but still, it seems…unfair.

I’m afraid that if I don’t eat the catered lunch (which apparently has many thousands of calories hidden in it) my coworkers will feel like I’m not being part of the team.  And on Monday and Friday when we fend for ourselves, I don’t want to constantly say no to going out to lunch.

But what’s more important?  My body, self image, and keeping my current wardrobe?  Or pleasing a bunch of people I met a month-and-a-half ago?  It seems like an easy choice to make, but I’m a pleaser and I want them to like me.

So here’s the bottom line: I’m going to lose 20 lbs this year.  It’s March 24, 2010.  That means I’m 12 weeks into the 52 that make up a year.  So in 40 weeks I’ve got to average 0.5 pounds of weight loss a week.  Am I going to be satisfied with that?  Probably not.  I’d like to lose 20lbs by tomorrow, but unless I cut my leg off at the knee, that seems a little out of reach.